The Scariest Thing
The most fearful part of my life so far was from the time I was 11 years old until I was about 33. Figuring out that I was Christian and a guy attracted to other guys presented me with more options for panic than an all you can eat Chinese buffet! Here is a quick run down of the specialities:
Fear of abandonment (friends and family if they found out)
Fear of being different (at least I thought I was in a small Arkansas town)
Fear of hell (How long before God gives up on me?)
Fear of the future (Would I ever marry a woman? What if I marry a woman?!)
Fear of failure (Would I be able to stick it out on the healing thing?)
Fear of failure (What would my church do if I fall down on the healing thing?)
Fear of failure (Would I dissappoint my future wife if I fall down on the healing thing?)
Fear of gay people who are okay with being gay (Are they watching me, waiting for me to screw up?)
Fear for safety (don't tell, don't get beat up)
Fear of rejection (don't tell, don't get fired)
Fear of not having the big picture (So many perspectives, so little time)
Day in, day out--my psyche worked over time to help me cope. Not to say there was not a lot of good stuff that goes along with getting on top of all of those questions, but it's a wonder I got anything else done. The conversations now surrounding the gay marriage issue are giving me a few flashbacks. I try to remember that I have had quite a few years (15) to grapple with this question and most people who are new to it and who act unlovingly about it do so mostly out of fear. And fears, especially the big cloud of them that this issue sometimes raises for folks on both sides, short circuit our higher level thinking.
Fear of abandonment (friends and family if they found out)
Fear of being different (at least I thought I was in a small Arkansas town)
Fear of hell (How long before God gives up on me?)
Fear of the future (Would I ever marry a woman? What if I marry a woman?!)
Fear of failure (Would I be able to stick it out on the healing thing?)
Fear of failure (What would my church do if I fall down on the healing thing?)
Fear of failure (Would I dissappoint my future wife if I fall down on the healing thing?)
Fear of gay people who are okay with being gay (Are they watching me, waiting for me to screw up?)
Fear for safety (don't tell, don't get beat up)
Fear of rejection (don't tell, don't get fired)
Fear of not having the big picture (So many perspectives, so little time)
Day in, day out--my psyche worked over time to help me cope. Not to say there was not a lot of good stuff that goes along with getting on top of all of those questions, but it's a wonder I got anything else done. The conversations now surrounding the gay marriage issue are giving me a few flashbacks. I try to remember that I have had quite a few years (15) to grapple with this question and most people who are new to it and who act unlovingly about it do so mostly out of fear. And fears, especially the big cloud of them that this issue sometimes raises for folks on both sides, short circuit our higher level thinking.
posted by Troy at 1:47 PM
2 Comments:
Welcome to Blogger from someone who is new herself! Your post caught my eye as I have struggled with many of the identity issues you describe. I wish you the best of luck, and peace, in your search for a strong and stable sense of self.
Thanks littlepage. Best to you, too!
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