Thursday, September 02, 2004

My Parents, the Selfish Hedonists

I'm nominating Alan Keyes as poster boy for "compassionate conservatism", the recycled brand name for this year's spirit-crushing Republican party platform. I think Keye's would be perfect for the role.

He has soft spot of love for gay people and Republican veep-daughter, Mary Cheney, who according to the supposedly fringy Keyes is a selfish hedonist. I'm pretty sure keeping her father's campaign afloat is a full-time job, so I'm not sure when Mary would have time to hedonate. Still, Keyes pulled the anti-equal marriage rights lever marked, "What? No Procreation?" and revealed just how cold-hearted love can appear.

Channeling a Victorian schoolmarm, the would-be Illinois, via-Maryland, senator stated that if procreation is not an option in a marriage, the sex that happens in it is simply an expression of "selfish hedonism." Is it just me or does anyone else feel more than a little sorry for Ms. Keyes? I called my mom in Arkansas to let her know she and my dad are practicing selfish hedonists.

"Hi mom!"

"Hi sweetie. How are you?"

"I'm fine, but I'm a little worried about you and dad."

"Why honey? What's wrong?"

"Well, have you heard of Alan Keyes?"


"He's this man who's running for the senate in Illinois, even though he's from Maryland and said that people from other states shouldn't move to a state just to run for office."

"Oh, no. We don't know him."

"Well, he said that you and dad are... selfish hedonists?"



"He said that if you are in a marriage state that precludes having kids, then you are selfish hedonists. And I've noticed you've been having a few hotflashes the last few times I've been home, and, well, I put two and two together..."

"Oh...well we didn't know we were selfish hedonists."

"I didn't think you did. And mom, you know that hysterectomy Christie (my sister) had? Well..."

"Hmm...she's a selfish hedonist, too? Oh, Kevin (Christie's husband) had a vasectomy a few years back! They're double selfish hedonists!"

"I have to say I kind of suspected all along. You can kind of tell by the mardi gras beads they're always throwing at people. Do you think other people in our hometown are practicing selfish hedonists?"

"Honey, I'm pretty sure there are. I know several right off hand. Does this mean you'll come home less often than you do already?"

The conversation took a different turn at that point, but I'm still pretty sure our family is going to lose some sleep over this S.H. situation. I can only wonder about the conversation happening right now between Dick and Mary Cheney!


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