Friday, September 15, 2006

The Dog Shouter

John went to Bible study, so I was on my own for supper tonight. I fixed a couple of peanut butter sandwiches. This shouldn’t impress you. But in the time it took for me to walk from the counter where they lay to the cabinet that holds our plates Claire had snagged one of the sandwiches and eaten half of it. Two, three seconds tops from grab to drop. Now that’s impressive. Even more impressive is the nerve she showed when I turned to catch her red-handed. She looked me in the eye, dropped the mauled sandwich and pranced out into the living room as if her nonchalance might convince me that I hadn’t seen her eat half my dinner. All of this happened only minutes after she’d eaten an entire bowl of her own food.

Claire and I have discussed before that all of her paws should be on the floor most of the time. Acceptable exceptions are when her belly needs rubbing or when she’s located some especially wretched mess to coat herself in during our absence. Additionally, I’ve mentioned to Claire, frequently in fact, using many words that begin and end with hard consonants like “don’t” and “dammit,” that her feet accomplish nothing of value when propped up on cabinets. Now, as slow waves of deep disappointment erupt from my bowels, hanging in the air like thunderclouds, Claire stares past me, ears twitching back and forth with a level of disinterest equal to that of an eye-rolling teenager. It is a response I’ve seen from her before.

No matter how earnestly I explain all the reasons why the same tongue she uses to lick her ass should not be licking my food, nothing in my nonsensical blahbity-blah-blahs convinces her that a clean sweep of the counter when given the chance isn’t a good idea. In fact, quite the opposite has proven true for her in the past. I must confess that, like Claire, I too find doggie dialogue ridiculous. I know she doesn’t understand a word I say. She knows she doesn’t understand a word I say. I can’t be the only one wondering what the point of all the noise is. So, what to do?


8 Comments:

Anonymous kara said...

That sounds familiar...we cooked three steaks on the grill. I set the plate on the counter, turned around for 1/2 of a millisecond, and poof - there were only two. Sadie was licking her doggie lips and just waiting for me to turn my back so she could finish off the other two steaks. Also, one time I had cooked bacon & was taking the plate & paper towel with the grease on it to the trash can. Sadie came running with her mouth open, slobber flying and ate the greasy paper towel in one gulp ( wasn't so fun for her the next day during the 'extradition process' ).

6:46 AM  
Anonymous jennie said...

What to do?
Write a really humorous blog about it, and that's just what you've done.

9:38 AM  
Blogger Citizen D said...

I found this post particularly amusing because, over my 8 years of being a dog owner, I've found myself in an almost idential situation many times. The best answer I've found is not to leave unattended food on the counter because, no matter how well trained, most dogs just cannot resist their belly. I realize that, in that regard, Zoie has trained me and not the other way around. Unfortunately, as Jennifer frequently reminds me, this isn't the only way she has trained me.

10:51 AM  
Anonymous marc said...

I think that Claire and Barkley have been hanging out together without us knowing. Barkley must be teaching Claire some of his bad behaviors. Those bitches!!!

11:23 AM  
Anonymous Kris Wetterlund said...

For crying out loud, haven't you been watching the Dog Whisperer? Claire thinks the counter, and everything on it, is hers. She thinks your food actually belongs to her too. Teach her otherwise or be doomed to a dog's life of never confidently turning your back on any morsel again.

Please watch the Dog Whisperer episode with the thieving beagle again.

11:32 AM  
Blogger Troy said...

Kris, I've not seen the theiving Beagle episode. How do I convince Claire that nothing on the counter, nor the counter itself is hers.

2:38 PM  
Anonymous David said...

Troy,
Everything belongs to Claire...accept it and move on.
D.

8:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Troy,

I agree with David, either accept it or get two very short legged Westies who can't reach the counter. Barb

5:33 AM  

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