Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Yelling Still Doesn't Work

John and I got up at the crack last Saturday morning to head to Cleveland for Tommy's birthday weekend. We hoped to get on the road at 5:00 a.m., but we didn't finish packing the car until 5:30. We loaded Claire in last and she immediatlely wormed her way into the front passenger seat. She knows better and normally will just move to the back when we say something. But this time she flattened and glued herself to the upholstery. After failed attempts to move her by command, I finally started tugging on her leash from the open door of the back seat, which was a lot like trying to pull a boulder out of the frozen earth with a pair of tweezers. Turning up the volume to a yell, I shouted "Get in the back! Back! Back!" which merely filled the air with quick puffs of steam--steam and confused sighs from Claire, who seemed to be utterly befuddled by my inabilty to grasp the fact that she'd gotten to the seat first and therefore had rights of first refusal on other places in the car, which she was presently exercising.

Not having had enough coffee or sleep to better my judgement I slipped with mindless ease into roar mode. Before I knew it, I could hear the word "Claaaaairrrrre!!!" in deep thudding tones like dynamite blasts bouncing between the houses up and down our street. It seemed awfully early for that kind of racket. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was the source. John who was calmly watching all of this, opened up the passenger side door, pushed Claire from that direction and got her moving. I gave her a swat on the behind as she passed me. A few muttered cursewords later and we were on the road. I was embarrassed by my behavior before I even started the car, "Man, I feel like an ass." John just looked silently at me with his patented non-judgmental judgement stare, which by the way keeps me in a constant state of awe. I could work for years and never come close to mastering this look the way he has. He should teach courses on it.

I calmed down as we drove and apologized to Claire who licked my hand in forgiveness heaping coals of fire upon my head. Deep in her gracious eyes I could still see a glint of irritation, a remnant leftover from being unjustly booted to the back seat. As good natured as she is, I know she will pull this out to use later.

By the time we got to the Mt. Comfort Rd. exit around 6:00 a.m. we were ready for a stop at McDonalds for breakfast. The lights were on when we went through the drive through, but the joint was closed. We could see staff inside lazily milling about, which just increased our peevedness. John suggested I yell at the restaurant the way I had at Claire. So as we drove by the door I screamed out the window, "McDonaaaaalds!!! Open! Open!!! Nooooowww!!! Oooooppppennnn!!!!!" The people inside were frozen in horror and confusion. Turns out my yelling had the same effect on McDonalds that it did on Claire, but I felt infinitely more satisfied with the results at McDonalds.


Anonymous David said...

The image of you yelling out the window at the McDonalds drive thru is so hilarious. The desperate customer...I completely understand where you were coming from.

5:36 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

I'm laughing so hard that I almost choked on my cereal. This story cracks me up! I think that it's because I've seen your reenactment of the scenario, or maybe because I can easily picture John's face, but this post is one of my favorites. "CLAAAAIIRRRE!!!!!!"

6:25 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

I think you yelling at Claire is too funny and the fact that she was letting you know that she called shotgun, was even more so. Poor dog, be sure to keep us posted on her revenge. Poop in the shoes...drool on your favorite magazine before you've finished reading it.

8:43 AM  
Blogger Citizen D said...

This post made me laugh out loud. I think mostly because I recognize the same fits of blind rage in myself. I rarely get angry, but when I do it's much as you described. I feel especially like an ass afterwards if I've taken it out on someone totally undeserving.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Troy said...

Crystal, I wish it were as simple as drool on a magazine.

Claire's revenge (that would make a good book title) usually takes the form of leaping out the front door when we aren't looking and frolicking just beyond our reach like a newborn lamb in a meadow while we chase her down.

9:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Claire does nothing wrong.

12:52 PM  
Anonymous Sally said...

Claire is a minx in dog's clothing. Haven't you figured this out yet Troy? Our pets are way, way, smarter than we are.

9:46 AM  
Blogger LPerdue said...

I just read this and can't stop laughing. I'm taking you with me to Mickey D's the next time I go!!

Poor Claire. Tell her many others appreciate her even if Daddy Troy doesn't.

2:11 PM  

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